I just turned down an offer of work. AUGH. The job is 2 hours away (which would mean commuting five hours a day or adding rent to my existing mortgage payment), and the job may or may not have lasted for longer than 3 months (uncertain economy). Those are decent reasons to second guess the offer, but the real reason which I can't say out loud is that I'm actually not that interested in being an architect at the moment.
AUGH.
I feel like (even though I know this is not the case) I shot myself in the foot. I have refused to take on work that will put me in a box. Not literally. I've been doing this work for five years, and overall, I have to admit, it hasn't been that much fun. Many a time, it has felt constrained and unpleasant, partially because of lack of autonomy, but also I suspect there is something inherent in the work or the people drawn to the work of architecture that calls for arrogance, masochism, and a good deal of b.s. wrapped in pretty paper. Why would I want to go back into that world? Granted, this job could be a little different, different people, different place, but really, the work would be the same.
The job called for someone who was motivated to be a go-getter. I can certainly imagine doing that, but only given the right stimuli. Doing a job I don't love would not be the right stimuli. Doing a job I don't love is getting into a box you can't stand in or sit comfortably in, and shutting the lid.
The real struggle now is between the camp that says "Suck it up, walk the trail of tears, suffer like the rest of us" versus the camp that says, "Why? Is my life only about suffering and paying bills? Just making do in a dull, colorless world?"
So many questions, so few answers. Life is a creative process. The least I have to do - and sometimes the best I can do - is show up, be present, do what I love.
Time to eat something.
No comments:
Post a Comment