People with brains and conscience

This has to be one of the most common sense things I've seen in a long time. Goes a long towards righting my sense of fairness in the world.

As Professor Robert Shiller says, "how many cars do you need if you can only drive one at any given time?" I would argue, if you can have one car as a backup while you drive your other very old, but still running Volvo, you're being fiscally responsible. But it's a luxury.

Americans need to stop feeling entitled to anything.

Great quotes

People have been saying some awesome things recently. Just a quick sample:

From a Washington Post article about Supreme Court Justices and technology:

This is Chief Justice John Roberts speaking to Justice Scalia as he tries to understand text-messaging in the context of a public employee privacy case before the court .

"I thought, you know, you push a button; it goes right to the other thing," Roberts said. Responded Justice Antonin Scalia: "You mean it doesn't go right to the other thing?"


From Scott Adams in the Wall Street Journal:

"The primary purpose of management is to kill any hope that staying in your current job will work out for you. ...The last thing this world needs is a bunch of dopey-happy workers who can't stop humning and grinning. The economy needs hamster-brained sociopaths in management to drive down the opportunity cost of entrepreneurship. Luckily, we're blessed with an ample supply."

I'll be looking for more to add here.

Burgers 1

I am an omnivore at heart, but a vegetarian in practice. Except...every once in a while I get a burger craving. This happened the very first time I tried being vegetarian working in New Haven years ago. I think I went about four months before I was drooling for a burger.

So tonight, despite the fact that I had a marvelous egg-lemon spinach soup waiting for me at home, I desired a burger. My workday had been proletarian to the extreme; like a dog, I dogged, grinding my millstone, dragging my albatross, holding onto the metaphorical fishing line like the old man in the sea with determination, for miles...I deserved a burger.

I went to a local Essex bar. Ordered the basic burger, cooked medium, with lettuce (romaine), tomato (beefsteak), and onion (red). I added ketchup (Heinz), and mayonnaise (some non-name brand - it's fat, ok). I bought the burger and brought it home - it was packaged in those plastic containers that are not really recyclable, but fairly handy. They must be cheap. Anyway, upon arrival at home about ten minutes after leaving the establishment, I pulled the plastic box out, and started in on the fries. They were slight soggy, but fine. The included three ketchup packages was not enough, so I supplemented with my four year old ketchup perfectly preserved at ideal conditions in my refrigerator. Fries and ketchup. It is hard to mess this up.

Onto the burger. It was thick, but smaller than the bun by about 5/8ths of an inch. That's a little over half an inch. That's kind of a lot in terms of proportion for those of us raised to believe that the burger ought to hang outside of the bun. Oh well. The vegetables were good. There was a lot of onion, and I thought I'd only eat half of it, but I ended up needing all of it. It was very tasty with all the pieces put togther. For the most part, the meat itself was decent, but I would say it was middling quality. It was slightly dry, and although cooked just medium, the juices from the pinkish meat inside weren't exactly flowing. And most unfortunately, there were pieces of gristle in the meat. Two pieces of something quite hard that I had to spit out.

The bun was toasted, good, but as previously noted, too big for the exercise at hand. And it did not have sesame seeds on it, for the record.

So, overall, I'd have to rate the Black Seal burger 2.5 stars out of 5.
A Burger King Whopper would probably be a 2 out of five.
McDonald's burgers, rubber on plastic, would be 0.5 out of 5. That's kind of generous, isn't it?

I'm looking forward to more burger escapades in the future.

musings on following your bliss

A few nights ago, I had a conversation with one of the guys here. He’s 32, tall lanky guy with an outdoorsy look. He also looks like a carpenter, which he kind of is, although had gone to school to be an architect. He asked me what I was thinking about doing for finding work, and I started going into my thinking and struggles, thinking about leaving architecture behind like I’ve left music behind. His response was condoning and encouraging going off in a completely different direction and following one's bliss. Standard young, liberal reaction.

I asked him about his story, what kind of major change he had gone through, and he relayed how he had a minor meltdown at the end of architecture school, decided he didn’t want to work in architecture after school. He moved out to Vermont to be with his girlfriend, work as a carpenter, be outside, healthy, and just alive again. Architecture school can do that to you, kill you in bits and pieces.

We talked about Parents. He had some real tension with his father because his dad wanted him to go forward with schooling and being an engineer. He decided to go to architecture school, but after that, he went skiing and mountain climbing. His father, surely worried but also made uncomfortable by his son’s independence and questioning, demanded the son come back to reality. The son, of course, refused, and there was a rift which was eventually healed between father and son. The son’s take on it is that if these people want you to be someone they want, then what are they to you? Are they people who want to see you grow and be happy, discover and move forward? Or are they people who want to control you and see you do what they want you to do? This is one of the central questions in my life.

Additional questions I have are do your parents have the right to demand that you be someone they want you to be? Do you have a responsibility to them, and where does that responsibility start or stop? At what point in your life does what your parents want from you stop being your responsibility? At what point does that relationship between you and your parents become one where the love is purified and the playing field levels out - in other words, neither party has responsibility towards the other, and the relationship is based on wanting to help each other, not being required to help?

Going back to following your bliss - If you step out and become something else, do something different and follow your own drum, my perception of what would happen is that you’d find yourself alone. What this guy reminded me is that while you’d be alone maybe for a little while, you’d be finding other people who were interested in what you were doing. To me, this makes the bedrock relationships that I have even more important. My emotional home.

Day 2-ish in workshop in VT

Even in pretend-land, time moves fast. But definitely in non-straightforward fashion. Yesterday was, again, chock full of activity and motion. In the morning, I was up pretty early, and read a bit, and then drove from the dorms to our working area in Brattleboro with another woman, a grad student in urban planning. She’s 25, recently out of school, working as good industrious people do, trying to find her next job. She seems earnest enough, straightforward enough. Yet, I have a sense of her as being a type. Not so much a person unto herself yet - but that's kind of how it is at the young adult stage. It is starting to get clearer what this truly means, though, self-identity. I think it means that you’ve committed yourself in total down a path of requirement.

What is that? What’s a path of requirement? In the past, you’ve been forced to do this and that, you’ve been swayed heavily by the winds of society and culture, and finally, now, you’ve reached a point where you must stand up on your own. You must work. You don’t necessarily want to do all the things required of you, but you will, and you actively do now. At that point, standing up on your own means nothing so much as making that decision, and deciding on your terms what you will do to stand, unbowed. And then, you do. And keep doing because you've made a commitment, and you must.

This is critical for people seeking a path, the Seekers. Parents can weigh like millstones around a young sapling’s neck, making it difficult to seek light and air. To continue the metaphor, if the field of saplings is close, other saplings crowd your branches, making if hard for you to grow straight and true. We are not trees, however, but moving, metamorphosizing people. That ought to be a word, metamorphose, -ing or –phosizing.

Anyway, snippets of thoughts from Vermont.

creative genius?

This girl is unbelievably good.

Wasps

Life is profoundly unfair. Perhaps where humans are most different from the other animals is how we (some of us anyway) feel a distinct irony in the fact that collectively, we want everything to be fair and rosy, but in fact, life requires that we perform differently.

I tend to leave my lawn, the borders, and trimmings fairly untended, happy to leave it to the wild things. Every now and then, however, I'm struck by an impulse, a first cousin to the desires of frontier women to dress up their humble stick and mud abodes with lace curtains. My impulse drags me to garden, to try and make order out of the imperturbable chaos that is Nature. Silly me. But so it is, and so I venture to pull out weeds that I have no sense of, as a bulldozer to a primeval forest. Suddenly, thwack! - into the poison oak and a nest of ground wasps!

Must kill (innocent) wasps, and tear out threatening poison oak (a relatively pretty looking plant that suddenly takes on a wicked witch like cast)!

I pick up the pesticide and gird myself to dig out the poison oak. This mundane suburban vignette illuminates a human irony. For what has the wasp done but try and build a home? What has the poison oak done but what all plants do at all times - live and grow? Suddenly, strangely, the actions of all who have come before make some sense - killing, maiming, tearing down, destruction....all in the name of some ideal or other, but at the end, it is a fear and a desire to control. And yet, we all wish fervently for peace, harmony, and an end to struggling and strife. That’s what we all profess to want. We can’t have it. We are not in Eden, but cast outside of it, and while our hearts were formed in Paradise and we retain so many paradisical yearnings, Paradise is not where we live. We live on earth, grimy, wasp-ridden, poison oak-bearing, lovely earth.

What do we do with such knowledge? It can be enough to make people crazy – I think it does, quietly, and often, not so quietly. I see it when I look into people’s eyes sometimes, at the checkout counters, in the streets. People go about their proscribed lives, knowing from the bottom of their soles/souls, that the borders of their lives are identical to those of soap bubbles.

What would you teach your children, knowing that this world they go into is as much soap bubbles as it is milk, honey, asphalt, steel, gold, and terror?

IDEA: digital privacy

I read this and want to puke.

Please, somebody make this privacy service! Make it so that I can buy it.

So, the world is moving inexorably towards digital, computerized everything. (The world from from the Matrix is coming!) Well, I want a way to effectively create a blank, dummy profile in the digital world so that no marketer, no person, no corporation, no one can figure out who I am and what my preferences for anything are. LEAVE ME ALONE! My private preferences for what brand of anything I want remain a mystery to all except me.

So how would this work?
The goal is that every time I go online to do anything, including shopping at Amazon, browsing websites, my internet identity gets a random mask, but different every single time. It happens before I get onto even a supposedly secure site, like with banks and financial institution websites. Whoever is generating that mask for me doesn't know who I am because there's a double blind - two layers of masking throughout the interaction. I'm sure people are doing this already somewhere, but give me a service, or make it a law. I don't really care which because I think it's wrong to give marketers any sort of edge on me. I'm not convinced the current economic system actually works anyway.

Not using Internet services is less and less an option. Not using the internet means falling behind technologically, and unless I win the lottery, I won't be able to compete in the world without using technology. Does this piss me off? Yes.

grumble grumble grumble

Book Review (of sorts): The Checklist Manifesto

The Checklist Manifesto: How to get things right
By Atul Gawande

This book is a fast and easy read as Gawande writes well and engagingly. The subject of checklists and the efficacy of them is intriguing because I am highly interested in efficiencies, value, and high performance. This is the Great Trifecta, to be able to do something with minimal effort and cost, but with high reward or return. Gawande makes the case that checklists, being fundamentally low cost, are highly efficacious. The returns in various fields that he reports on all seem substantial.

The drawbacks? People don’t like to do things that seem regimented and that require discipline, which is how checklists have to be used. As Gawande writes,

“Discipline is hard – harder than trustworthiness and skill and perhaps even than selflessness. We are by nature flawed and inconstant creatures. We can’t even keep from snacking between meals. We are not built for discipline. We are built for novelty and excitement, not for careful attention to detail. Discipline is something we have to work at.”

Checklists are not just checklists. They require human adherence to them in a way that requires discipline and acceptance that we are fallible even in our most mundane, simple tasks. Gawande doesn’t really get into this so much, but beyond our dislike for disciplined, regimented action, we also don’t want to accept that many of our expectations exceed our abilities to do what needs to be done to reach those expectations. In other words, we want things to work out perfectly - or at least, very well - but to get to those expectations, we have to realize how fallible we are, how limited we actually are. Despite all the choices the modern age presents us, despite the surfeit of sophistication in the world around us, despite the technology we have, we humans are highly fallible, and our worse mistake is believe we are anything but.

I suppose age brings a certain realization that this is so, but I think as a society, we don’t like to think that all of our technology, all of our social progress, and all of our apparent intelligence does NOT bring us easier lives, but in fact, presents us with a greater need for discipline in order to match the outcomes of our actions with our expectations. Using checklists, in a way, underscores for us how fallible we are.

I gleaned a few interesting points from Gawande’s research. From the aviation industry, he discovers that checklist creation is a process. There are some important elements:

1. They have to be short enough, usually one page, only, ideally 5-9 items.
2. They should have pause points where people take the time to assess some condition.
3. They are either DO-CONFIRM or READ-DO.
4. They should focus on “killer” items only, the steps in a process that are the most critical.
5. Simple and exact wording.
6. Easy to read, using lowercase and uppercase, using sans serif type, like Helvetica.
7. It has to get tested until it works consistently.

The last point underscores the way checklists are created at a fundamental level. They are created because of mistakes. Either people have died, or things have gone very, very badly in order that checklists needed to be made in the first place. This gives us a place to start if we wish to make our own checklists – where are the mistakes recurring? What keeps happening badly that requires we take a step back and see the flaw in the process?

It would be nice to have a checklist for life, but that one would either be longer than than day, or be fairly short. I think it might look something like this:

1. Think.
2. Do.
3. Repeat.

head wrap

I had hit my head recently, and the talk turned to wrapping head wounds with toilet paper.

These guys are at the Afghan peace conference. Talk about head wraps.


Omar Sobhani/Reuters

Many different groups or dynasties have ruled the Afghani area. They have fun sounding names:
Greco-Bactrians, Kushans, Indo-Sassanids, Kabul Shahis, Saffarids, Samanids, Ghaznavids, Ghurids, Kartids, Timurids, Mughals, and finally the Hotaki and Durrani (off wiki-awesome-pedia).

These are the current tribes:

Pashtun
Tajik (Farsiwan, and Qezelbash)
Hazara
Uzbek
Aimak
Turkmen
Baloch

I think the two guys with the gold headwraps are Qezelbash of the Ghaznavids. (I'm making this up, I have no idea, I just like the names.)

Serious thoughts

Dean Kamen says that educated people have a responsibility to not only live prosperously, freely, enjoying the luxuries of modern, first-world existence, but because there are relatively so few educated people, we equally have a responsibility to do good in the world. If not us, then who? Because if not us, how can we expect the other half of the population that live on under $1 a day to do it for themselves? More importantly, what is your life for if you haven't done good in the world?

High standards, ambitious benchmarks.

His emotional compass is in full display when he talks about building working arms for soldiers coming home from our overseas conflicts without arms, without two arms, or without arms and without legs. A TED talk. "It's not about technology, it's about people and stories."

Reflection on multi-conversing

I think I've just figured out something. Many people, but mostly men with their slightly different way of relating to people than women, have issues keeping several lines of conversation going at once. On a large scale, this is obviously true. Not even I, le grande writer of this blog, can hold a conversation with more than three people, although I do enjoy the challenge. It's mostly a vision thing. I like making eye contact with people I'm talking with, and once you get more than three, you have to turn your head, and you can completely lose sight of the third person, therefore miss all the visual cues you might want.
I have found that most of the men I work with - ok, all - have a hard enough time keeping one conversation going, much less interaction with more than one. And I believe, based on my own experience, men also have issues when they can't see the person's face.

sweet potato buttermilk cornbread

I made some a few days ago, and at first, right out of the oven, I didn't think it tasted very good. It was slightly bitter, which I attribute to the sweet potato, and slightly too wet for cornbread, which I attribute to using agave nectar as opposed to granulated sugar. However, day 4 in the life of the sweet potato cornbread seems to bring it to the peak of its existence, much like a wine that needs to settle into of its flavor. Odd.

Anyway, here's what I did.
1 cup flour
1 cup Bob's Red Mill 8 Grain Cereal - good enough substitute for corn meal
3 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup agave nectar
1 beaten egg
1 cup buttermilk
1-1/2 cup peeled and grated sweet potato.

Pre-heat oven to 425. Mix dry ingredients together. Cut in butter until mix is crumbly. Add wet stuff - everything else. Grease a baking dish that's at least 9x9x2 (I used a round cake pan.) Pour mix in, bake for 20-30 min. Voila!

Notes:

1 - I really enjoy cutting butter into flour. It's knowing that these small bits of butter you're embedding with flour will make tasty, greasy, buttery pockets in the final product. It really feels like you're doing something. Not unlike, say, cleaning out the basement.

2- I think the bitterness at the beginning of the life of my cornbread was perhaps because the sweet potato wasn't cooked enough. Not sure, but I would experiment in the future with grating it finer, or even pre-cooking it and just adding mashed sweet potato to the mix.

3- I sprinkled cinnamon and nutmeg on top after it was almost done baking, but definitely adding those into the mix, or at some point in the process is recommended.

4 - I feel that there is a chocolate version of this somewhere in the ether...chocolate chips, perhaps, or cocoa powder. Mmmmmmm.

Sounds!

SO, I think it's interesting how getting older has meant that my ears are more sensitive to musical nuance than ever before. I think it's an emotion thing - emotional maturity, emotional experiences, having had the chance to develop myself on an emotio-spiritual level...or something.

Anyway, sounds. Lovely sounds...

Just heard April Verch. Wow. She's cute, sings, dances, plays violin, writes songs, leads her band, teaches...and she played at the Olympics in Canada. Her legs are like John Jorgensen's fingers. A little unworldly.

John Jorgensen's "One Stolen Night" from the album of that same name has stolen my heart. I listen to it at 7am on the train, and I feel like the luckiest person in the world to be able to listen to it and see morning sun angle over the marshes of the shoreline...

April Verch's kick-ass guitar man, Clay Ross, hailing from South Carolina, has a group called Matuto. It means something in Brazilian, but I don't know what, but they have put out an album that is a mix between Brazilian music and bluegrass. And from what I'm hearing right now, it's got some funky reggae-zydeco-honkytonk-backroom blues-hint'o'grunge thing going on. Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, man! He played these awesome Brazilian shakers - they look like two small balls attached to each other by a short length of string...pickchers, need pickchers...


There. Marakas. He showed me how to play them, but it reminds me of hackey-sack - I can kick it once or twice, but to actually do something cool with it might take some effort...I think I do however have the hang of the pear shaped shaker...I need to buy one of those.


What really gets me about these people is that they are real, honest-to-god, making-a-living-as-musician musicians. And they are really amazing. And they aren't making the kind of money your average hedge fund manager is making. What, by the way, is the hedge fund manager contributing to joy and happiness in the world? Oh, well, I suppose they pay the taxes that help support unemployed people...OK. That's worthwhile.

April does this Ontario step dance thing that is pretty much tap dancing. But, my god, it's so cool...and she will sometimes play violin while tap-dancing...

OK. Enough rhapsodizing.

Working, for now, and Good Ideas

So I started working again today after about 7 months off. I like not working better, but it was fun to do something different. Gotta keep thinking about other things to do because this job I can do already. It will bore me quickly.

I also liked this Inc. article about how good ideas don't always make it to the top. Yet, be optimistic, anyway, as a function of being human.

Humility vs. Pretention

Was thinking it was important to consider some of the things I hated about my previous job. One of them was a certain quality of pretentiousness I found myself constantly experiencing during work. Reflecting on that period is leading me to question what it is about pretention that drives people nuts, and yet, why people are drawn to positions that are almost certainly bound to lead to brushing up against a load of pretension.

I'm reviewing this article that explores humility. A few thoughts:

0. Humility in Western society seems to often be tied directly, in a knot, with Christian values. I'm not Christian, and I find it virtually impossible to view the religion without feeling a certain amount of displeasure and disgust at Christianity's sins and foibles. That discomfort with the religion makes viewing humility through that lens an avenue I will not endeavor to take.

1. For a moment, think of what pretentiousness evokes: unjustified or excessive claims of value, exaggerated importance, arrogance, pompousness, disdain, vaingloriousness, self-centeredness, to name just a few. I think the fact that there are so many words that are fundamentally about the same thing, just shades of difference, hints at how big an issue this is for us humans. The opposite word, humility, has quite fewer synonyms, two notable examples being modesty and unpretentiousness.

2. Pretentiousness is a kind of inauthenticity, an untruthfulness in essence. Pretention is a close relative of pretending, hearkening back to praetendere, meaning to stretch, extend. In our modern day world, we find people who stretch truths, extend inauthentic versions of experience to attempt to gain power, money, and quantifiable gain.

3. In our competitive society, rebellious teenagers, younger people starting in the world are told "That's just how it is." Should you try to change this status quo, you run up against brick, concrete, and crap walls. It can make a person trying to operate out of humility, or at the very least, out of a sense of authenticity that isn't about achievement, feel very lost and lonely.

4. And yet, people recognize or at least pay lip service to the idea that life's true meaning, the real worth of this experience we are all currently sharing of living, breathing, eating, crapping, sleeping, seeing beauty, seeing tragedy...the whole shebang is worth it for most people through things that deny pretentiousness. That is, true connections with others, love, service, helping others. These things, some say, are what lead to a good life, a life that when your time is up, you will be able to look back on and have no regret. And not have to lie about it to yourself.

5. Not easy questions, by far. I think of John Paulson, the hedge fund manager who, as portrayed in the book The Greatest Trade Ever. By some of society's standards, he has achieved pinnacles of success, becoming a billionaire, winning an unimaginable sum by taking advantage of systemic flaws in the social fabric. I think he's someone who was made with a drive to earn money. And so that's what he does. It's a fairly simple thing, but the milieu in which he operates is one that I cannot believe isn't oozing with pretentiousness. Can you have a moral compass amidst all that money and power?

More thoughts later.

Music, Gongs, and Cows

Gongs are the shit. http://gongsongs.com/products.html

I love listening to gongs. Apparently, so do cows. (look for Massimo Piazza on the gongsongs page)

Spring

The days are getting gorgeous. It's really a miracle. Much better than some guy rising from the dead, pardon my insensitivity.

A couple of days ago, the rain clouds were moving off in a solid formation, and leaving behind this incredible blue sky, made all the more beautiful by the stark spring green budding out of the trees.



My photo doesn't really speak the story, but it was jaw-droppingly beautiful.

WPHC - 1

This inaugurates a series of posts - that is, whenever I think of something and am inspired to post on the topic - about Why People Have Children. These are my conjectures, based in theory. Sweet, sticky, muddy, uneven, opinion-rich theory.

#1 - Some people get so intensely involved and dedicated to their work, and yet they instinctively know they'll burn out if they only focus on work. So having kids is a great way to to have a socially condoned way of saying "I can't work on this anymore, I have other responsibilities."

No judgment, just a theory.

Thoreau and me on Cape Cod

So, I never was much of a Thoreau fan. He has always struck me as one of these faerie Victorians, with a little too much idealism. I'm pretty sure had I met in him in person, he would have annoyed me, or perhaps not. However, he is a damn good writer. I'm reading Cape Cod, his treatise on his experiences over the course of several visits in the mid-1800s. Fertile mind, his. He writes about walking across the beach from Eastham through Nauset, and of how boring it was. Giving a flavor to the kind of boredom he was experiencing, he wrote about what he read (while under an umbrella, walking along the dunes towards the coast) as he walked, that is, about the first preachers of the Outer Cape, in the 1600s. He writes about several preachers and related events for a good several pages, then ends with this wonderful sentence:

"There was no better way to make the reader realize how wide and peculiar that plain was, and how long it took to traverse it, than be inserting these extracts in the midst of my narrative."

Cape Cod is an interesting place, as much for the history that is woven into the roots of the trees and the roads and buildings running through it as for the way it reflects the current sociological fabric. The season is only just beginning to start here, and as I tour around, I see the elements clearly: the retiree, the vacationing families, the lone parent who lives out here more often than the other parent, working elsewhere. And you see the Brazilian or Portuguese landscape workers. The construction crews, natives of the fishy land. The financially well off, in their vacation uniforms of flip-flops, sunglasses, and baseball caps, the women almost always sporting a pink, green, or navy blue, slightly nautical bag. The native teenagers, doing what teenagers do everywhere in the world.

You can imagine what the construction crew guys think of the lightly clad rich woman, with her pink handbag and starfish silver jewelry. You hear the voices of those same women, concerned with either their children or their work in a shop or at some high-powered company. Surely similar socio-economic class differences play out everywhere in the US, but I think it is rather stark here on the Cape during shoulder season.

In any case, I'm enjoying my time here, with the stinky one, Bandit.

It is the Year of the Tiger, after all.

If you look up predictions about this Chinese zodiac year of the Tiger, you'll find sentences like this: "The year of the Tiger is traditionally associated with massive changes and social upheaval. Therefore, 2010 is very likely to be a volatile one both on the world scene, as well as on a personal level. "

In Tiger years, natural catastrophes frequently happen. The world seems particularly rife with large, incredible, perhaps unfortunate, events. Volcanic eruptions should be expected. Earthquakes should be expected. Just hang onto your hats, folks.

Being poor, working hard

Life is not easy. It isn’t easy when you have a routine and you’re following it, and it isn’t easy when you’re in the midst of change and upheaval. It especially isn’t easy when you’re poor. You have to work so much harder than people with health and enough money for a simple, but decent life. Here’s a simple example.

Cleaning. You’re too poor to buy a proper vacuum, and the place where you rent has carpet. So you get a secondhand vacuum that probably doesn’t have great suction, and the hose attachment doesn’t work very well. (This may not be a great example for those of you who don’t believe in cleanliness.) When you vacuum, the vacuum does a so-so job of picking up stuff, and you can’t just vacuum the upholstery or anything off the floor. And the vacuum doesn’t roll easily, the pedal that lets the handle move at different angles doesn’t work properly, so you’re left lugging the heavy thing around over every little bump and lump on the floor. It’s heavy. But you have to clean - you have a child that likes to sit on the floor and play. Or you have a dog and a tick phobia…

In any case, you can’t go buy a new vacuum. You make do, you work your fingers to dry, red stubs, and get an aching back, sore limbs, fatigue, etc., making things as good as you can get them. God forbid you get sick, lose your health.

If you miss cleaning regularly, your abode gets dirty, you are more likely to get sick. Not only that, but the dingier things get, the worse you feel psychologically, the deeper into the hole you are dropping….

You wind up having to work so much harder than people with money just to climb out of the hole. As a cautionary tale, these are a few key points:

1 - Never let yourself slide so far down you have to work twice as hard to get back out.
2 - If you’re down, realize you have to work very hard to get out.
3 - It’s easier to maintain a relatively decent life than it is to live on in sickness and poverty.

The third point may be the most important one to remember. If you’re used to a cushy life, it may be hard to understand.

If you’re used to things just working, or things being done for you, it can be incredibly hard to understand that if no one’s doing things for you, you absolutely must do for yourself. You will have to work harder to get to where you were, or just stay afloat. People aren’t actually so forgiving of others being down and out. And they make assumptions about you when you are down and out that may not be true, and yet you may need those people’s help more than ever. Yet another point at which it becomes so difficult being poor.

Let me just finish by remarking on the things that people need to do better:
Sleep - a good bed, enough warmth, decent bedroom in a proper sleeping environment.
Food - good options, good knowledge of food preparation (go Jamie Oliver!!! Luv ya.) You absolutely cannot do better than you are doing if you are not eating properly.
Education - not only food education, but training in how to prioritize, think logically. What comes first, buying all organic food, or saving to buy a decent bed that stops hurting your back? The conundrums are not always easy to solve, therefore, you need your wits about you as much as possible.

Life is hard, rife with little problems, not easily solved.

Buying Gifts

This is a reminder for myself and others that it's easy and good to use Amazon's Wishlist to let others know what they should get you for Christmas, birthday, Easter, or whatever the occasion. It's searchable by name.

Modifying Goals

So it gets light, like, at 6 am these days. So when do I wake up? Yeah.

I think I'm only confirming my human vs. outerspace alien status when I say that I seem to be waking up earlier the older I get. Nuts. Not a teenager anymore...

So I think I need a different goal to track....there are plenty to try but the question is, to what end? Spanish? Chinese? Nature photography? One economics book per week? Hmm...at least one book a week for a year? How about that? And write about it in blog. OK, not super original, but worthy. Very worthy.

Topics to consider: economics, sustainability, psychology, history, architecture...Social sciences generally is a good, attractive idea, but given that I have a bit of a hardcore streak, I'm thinking hard science. Engineering, materials science. Hmm. Will have to mull over this. To start, however, I will plan to finish Gregory Zuckerman's "The Greatest Trade Ever" by the end of this week, and blog about it.

This habit-making business is great. I'm waking up early, walking every day, and feeding my brain regularly. I think personal networking will also be an important goal. Because as has been oft written about, people need people.

So light so early! Spring.

Was actually awake at 6am, but it seemed that it would be a mistake to actually get up that early. So, I dozed until 7:30, got up and went for my walk. In retrospect, because my walk takes almost an hour, it would be better to get up earlier and go for the walk, get it out of the way.

The WEATHER! It's so nice now! It's funny how to arrival of spring is a bit of a surprise. I mean, here I've been indoors all winter, taking my walk between my utility room to the kitchen sink and up the stairs and looping around again, feeling chilly the whole time. It's funny how it feels like suddenly, the air outside isn't cutting into my skin with a million tiny daggers the second I step outside.

It's also funny how the weather seems to change right after some big event, like a rainstorm and flood. Before the flood, it was cold. After the flood, it's warm. I suppose it sort of makes sense in a scientific way - weather fronts often bring some kind of tumultuous weather event as two air masses of different temperatures collide or move over a region.

Wanted to note a few things about Google Reader. I've been using it for a while now, and have blogs like Design*Sponge and ArchDaily, as well as some local and national news. It's really quite an excellent thing. It brings a certain milieu right to your desk, without much work. I think my earlier critique of it was the interface and relative paucity of personalization in the way the blogs are presented. This could still be improved, but I'm finding that the content greatly overshadows the formatting, fortunately for Google Reader. However, I'm not letting it go entirely. There ought to be a way to get an even cleaner interface, but with even more adjustability, per blog. Some blogs are picture blogs, some are text. You should be able to set a text blog up for optimal text reading, and the picture blog for optimal viewing of images. Perhaps some application that picks up the images out of the blog and higlights and magnifies (literally) those on your reader screen. To be able to have a flip feature would be even cooler. I should learn some animation program so I can illustrate what I'm trying to say here. But the parts are available in the world. They just haven't been strung together quite right yet.

OK, back to taxes. Almost done.

Early morning walk

Woke up around 6:50, started in on the morning ritual of loosening up my body. It's so variable, how the body feels in the morning. Did my calisthenics, and went out for a walk to check out the ghostly mist of the morning.

Images from the neighborhood.

Flood waters haven't receded yet.

My favorite groundcover, periwinkle, vinca minor.

By the way, apparently, Bill Gates is following my example - from twitter:

Flooding in my basement

Big rainstorm. Problems.


Tree uprooted across the street and tripped the power line circuit breaker.


My tax dollars at work.


No power, no sump pump. I had a mini waterfall in my basement.


Neighbors next street over have small waterfalls down the side of their yard.


The crapped up drainage at the corner of my yard.

Today, however, there is lots of sunshine. Perhaps even 70 degree weather!

Concrete

I like these: www.designboom.com/shop/concretering.html

Get, then find a way to inscribe stuff on the concrete...or set things into the concrete, that would be cool. Like glass, shells, gems, your baby's first tooth...no, wait, probably not that...

up early, got a worm

Networking and waking up early. It does kind of work. I think.

Got up at 7:30, checked email, and lo, an opportunity to check out a job. Did that, went to do my little part time gig, went up to the interview, and came back home, exhausted.

Then, on a whim, I went onto hulu and watched an episode of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. Stunning. Kids who don't know what an eggplant or tomatoes are....Anyway, I was so moved that I actually wrote to the guy through his website to laud him. It was a little unbelievable what was going on in the school. One might be tempted to think that these kids, being in West Virginia, well, they're just a bunch of hicks, right? But hicks who don't teach their children what vegetable names are??? These 6 year olds who didn't know potatoes, tomatoes, peas, ...none of it! They didn't know that tomatoes make ketchup, and that the french fries they immediately knew come from potatoes. Can we take this to mean that there is something seriously wrong in this country? Maybe, maybe not. But it is, by itself, rather off.

OK, bedtime.

things worth getting up for

Well, I was up at 7am yesterday to get to Yale for the Yale Celebration of Women conference, and today I was up at 6:45am. Wasn't really sleeping that well, but mostly because I was so fired up about the Yale conference. I was incredibly inspired and encouraged by the people I met there. I never really thought a Yale women's group would be supportive for me, being a mostly solo kind of girl, but these women were incredible. With their warmth combined with their intelligence and accomplishments, they present a powerful and powerfully motivating force. This is the best of alumnae fellowship and connection. Really bright, passionate people with hearts as big as can be.

Women I met over lunch, having never met them before, after hearing about me and where I am in life were kind and said, "you're obviously smart and talented. Take a risk!" You can't achieve if you don't risk. One woman, whose husband, a lovely Japanese-American man, was there with her, comprehended the nature of being raised with an Asian heritage, rife with risk aversion and deep seated desire for security. But, she said, you won't be able to be passionate, achieve great things, (build your world) unless you take a risk.

One fabulous lady from the first class of women admitted to Yale is a neurologist, and she had this terrific yellowy-orange fireball kind of energy. Sitting next to her, hearing her talk, I just soaked in her energy, basking in the sense that with women like her in the world, injustice and the status quo won't stand. Inspiring.

A younger woman I met was passionate about water sanitation. She has a PhD in water sanitation. This was really quite cool, and we talked about composting toilets. Her passion was infectious, as was her energy.

Speakers at the event were equally inpsiring. One young woman in her mid-20s started a non-profit during college and has built it into a worldwide organization in about 5 years. She was obviously young, obviously not worldly and polished compared to 20-30 year veterans of non-profits, but the fact that these older women were embracing her was inspiring to me. She's doing good, but it's equally important the she be publicly recognized by her elders - amplifying the good she does.

Women law professors, kick-ass ladies with razor sharp brains! Nothing is sexier.

And advice from the first female state surpreme court justice, who started as an art history major, never imagining a career in law, much less becoming an influential state supreme court judge. Be passionate, ask questions, seize opportunities as they come, don't be shy, tolerate the spotlight and tolerate criticism - don't take it personally. Family first...

All in all, a wonderful way to spend a Saturday.

FAIL

For some peculiar reason, unknown at the moment, I stayed up until 1:45am last night playing sudoku online. Why?

1. Habit.
2. I was a little wired from having a pretty active day, and did not start the unwinding process early enough - was tired at 10pm, but stayed up because I was hyped up on doing my taxes. Obsessive brain needs an off switch.

Prevention?
Well, I think ultimately, it's the process of habit building. One mistake does not a habit make or break. So, we slough it off, get on with the day, and plan tonight to wind down early.

Some tips gleaned from various sources for winding down:

1. write down your schedule for the next day
2. take a warm shower before bed. Help set up good sleep body temperature.
3. write down whatever might be bothering you (I don't think this one would work for me.)
4. meditate.
5. keep weekend and weekday wake times the same. Changing things on the weekends resets, or more correctly, upsets your internal clock.
6. Dim the lights at least 30 minutes to bedtime. (Reading in dim light usually gets me. However, my obsessiveness doesn't enjoy reading stuff without getting engrossed. That's a cue to tell my obsessiveness to take a long walk off a short bridge.)
7. white noise. Perhaps.

A food insert - almond joy recipe

Since I am banning junk foods from my life, it would be useful to learn how to make good "junk" food. Like this.

The only other junk foods I have made good is salty oven-roasted sweet potato fries. Can you eat these every day? OK, I would get sick of them eventually, but they are quite tasty.

And the roofer pitches in

The roofer called at 7am, a full half hour before I was supposed to wake. I was half-awake as it was. The pounding rain on the roof of the past day and night is oddly hypnotic, but not in a sleep-inducing way, today.

Why did the roofer call at 7am, you may ask? Indeed. It could be because he's Irish, or because he's a workaholic, or because he was trying to passive-aggressively get back at me for not choosing him to work on the roof a few months ago. Oddly, I believe it may be all of the above. Regardless, he called, I answered, we arranged a time for him to come by, and I went back and dozed for another 15 minutes.

But when I got up at 7:30am, I was ready to exercise, eat a healthy breakfast of microwaved sweet potato (rinse tuber, wrap in Glad Clingwrap, nuke for 5 minutes, presto done, and don't eat the skin), and get onto emails. Then went to do some freelance work (CAD drafting for a guy who gets up at 5:30am and does "BodyPump" in the mornings), spent time with a friend, went to orchestra rehearsal, and finally, am back home reading JKLasser's book on 2009 TAXES! Shazaam!

I am an obsessive by nature, let's be clear. Taxes is not something I have to read about, I am compelled to. It's like a tic. It's like how I've been obsessively reading economics. And I had to figure out what a present value calculation is. Not many people (quick, what's the percentage of economists in the world?) know it - that is, less than know what that blond bimbo Jessica Simpson is up to currently. Actually, I could easily forget it, but I will probably obsess about it to the point of re-reviewing it.

For kicks and trivia quizzes later on in the nursing home, the present value of an annuity is the value you intend to get at the end of the time period divided by the rate of return per annum. Sounds simple, just have to have the right numbers. Also, there are "present value tables" that accountants use to do this without sitting down with a calculator.

Oh - one final note of a health/dietary nature: I had some Doritos and cheddar cheese last night for the first time in several months. I also had four Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies at the freelance job. My elbows hurt today more than they have in some time. Interesting, no? I just ate half a bunch of fresh organic celery and a cup of ginger tea to atone - my own personal, edible Hail Mary.

A new goal - 7:30am

The new goal is to wake up at 7:30 every morning...and actually, eventually get to 6:30am. The reason is, not because I need to be more virtuous, which some people I know automatically associate with waking up early, but because I need to get a lot of stuff done, and waking up earlier gives me a sense of control that waking up for a job doesn't.

The things I'm looking to do include
- getting a lot of economics self-study under my belt
- Spanish
- violin
- eventually pick up a second career - perhaps in finance or some financial field.

So, I hereby return to this blog to record progress. Today I was up at 7:30 - although I was certainly awoken earlier having heard the resident, crazy mouse make a noise akin to it dropping its massive girth from some height and landing on the ceiling. I went for a walk that took about an hour, had breakfast, started into an econ lecture.

ANd now for the recipe portion of our post:
I have a favorite dressing composed of
olive oil (fat),
garlic (savory),
soy sauce (salt),
lime or lemon juice (tang)
honey or agave nectar (sweet)
and red pepper (spicy).

Notice how it's got pretty much every major flavor in it? Well, you can also get this mixture this way:
olive oil, garlic, soy sauce, chopped apple, and ginger.
1 - Saute chopped garlic (a few cloves) and fresh sliced ginger (an small inch long piece is enough) in the olive oil for a couple of minutes.
2 - Add chopped apple (half an apple is good, chopped pretty finely), give a squeeze of soy sauce, or however much you prefer. Or you can just salt it with regular salt.
3 - cook until the apple is softened.

I made this the other day and dressed a package of brussel sprouts with it. Very tasty. I might have added more tang with a bit of lemon or lime juice, but wanted to see how much tang the apple would impart. I'd say, a bit. Not much, but a little.

Quinoa with Sauce and more Cauliflower

Mmm!
Cooked some quinoa in the rice cooker - too much water, but that's ok.
Cooked a sauce this way: In a pan cooked olive oil, sauteeing garlic (2 cloves) and chopped fresh ginger (1 inch, peeled) until translucent. Added a squeeze of agave nectar, a squeeze of lime juice (one wedge), and dashed some salt.

When the quinoa was done, I put it in with the sauce and mixed it up. So tasty!

Meanwhile, in the toaster oven, I roasted cauliflower and chopped onion. I put the cauliflower on a sheet of aluminum foil, drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled turmeric (anti-inflammatory) and galangal (not sure what this really does) and sea salt. It took about 30 minutes at 450 to cook, and the end result is what I have typically found of roasted cauliflower. OK, but not my favorite way to eat it. Well, at least I've tried it.

I ate the quinoa with the cauliflower and had a scrumptious repast this noon. !!!

Anchiornis huxleyi

Anchiornis huxleyi, a four-winged troodontid dinosaur that lived during the late Jurassic period in China.

I love the feathers on the legs. There is generally something rather appealing about this drawing of this creature.

http://opa.yale.edu/news/article.aspx?id=7249

Yes, I said this blog was finito, but I haven't started up another yet, so this is the place I'm throwing things into for now. Surely, there are other ways to do this on the web. I'm checking out using Google Reader right now, and I'm not sure it's very good. It's just what is available, and it might be the best of several, but it's still not very good.

Day 35 - progress

Saturdays are turning into marathons. Somehow, between teaching violin in the morning to getting everything else done, Saturdays end up being the busiest day of my week. Interesting.

Well, so since I've reached the 30+ day mark with exercising, being grateful and blogging, I think I'm ready to move on to a different blog. There are interesting things to talk about, but they don't exactly mix and match with what's going on here...

So, au revoir, moving on!

Day 33 - Love

I am grateful for a heart of love, the emotions that I have that allow me to feel and understand the world the way I do. I'm grateful to have been touched by love in many ways, from parents, to sisters, to friends, to people I barely know who have reached out with natural warmth and a smile that lets you in.

And, yes, I exercised.

Day 32 - Making stuff

Exercised. I definitely noticed that having exercised only minimally the past day, I wasn't feeling as good. So, did a good bit today.

Spent some time making V-day cards: (Click on them for more detail)





So grateful for the stuff to make them with and the imagination!

Day 31- minimalism

It was a snowy, lazy day. Five minutes of exercise was more than enough.

Have a raft of topics in my head, but busy making stuff at the moment, so no serious documentation effort shall be made at this time...

Day 30 - cauliflower

Had some cauliflower (pictures below before its demise) for dinner tonight - boiled in vegetable broth, with ginger, garlic, and soy sauce. It's beautiful, and tasty!!! Each photo is different, but I photoshopped the bottom three a bit. Just love the star pattern of this plant.

As far as exercising goes, I was very active today, so whilst I did not actually do the prescribed exercise regimen, I think I burned some calories...Was a good day!

Day 29 - chickens

Did about 30 minutes of calisthenics, stretching, jogging/walking around the house. Check!!

It's really nice to feel grateful for a lot of things. Everyday things like weather reports on the internet, being able to look up things on the internet, calling people to find information, and chickens. One can never be too grateful for chickens. They eat ticks. They're funny, and they're simple.

I actually wanted to get some this past summer, but the local ordinances say I can't. I am sore tempted to say screw the ordinances. A neighbor has chickens, and there is something in the ordinances that say if you live on what used to be farm land, you can have chickens, even if you are in an area currently zoned as a denser suburb. This is slightly maddening. By most stretches, this is a rural suburb, lots of deer, wildlife, and space, so why not chickens? These ordinances were written in the seventies, and I wonder if there was something about the 70s that made people do and think dumb things...Or if I were being charitable, perhaps it's just a matter of which side the pendulum is swinging.

Anyway, chickens.

They rock.

Day 28 - Casey Driessen

Exercised requisite 5 minutes. Was feeling rather creaky, so didn't over do it. Something about the sauna - I think I require a lot more lubrication before and after the sauna...

I started researching some stuff for violin students, and checked out information Casey Driessen who is probably the coolest violinist ever. I think it boils down to his muscular percussive technique (*chop*) and a close second is his inventive rock sensibility coming through on his five string violin. I want one. Suffice to say, the world is a better place because of Casey and those like him. Mostly Casey.

Another violinist that apparently comes from a family of violinist and is now rocking out is Alex Depue. Wow.

Day 27 - organic food, organization, and orange

Exercised, taught violin, did some architectural consulting with structural engineer and owner, went grocery shopping, went swimming, came home, cooked, read, googled why I shouldn't get on Facebook. oy.

Recently, was eating standing up at the kitchen counter and noticed my food and cup colors:


This was completely random, but ever so striking. That's some exotic type of sweet potato or yam on the plate. Very tasty.

Day 26 - Go towards the light!

Haven't exercised yet, but will get to it, don't worry. (Yes, all you faithful readers....hello? Hello???)

Anyway, was feeling extremely disgruntled this morning, I believe as a direct result of the anxiety provoked by the VP of Autodesk, and needed to stop thinking about jobs in architecture and move onto much more pleasant things to think about. Like colorful sculptures. A google image search turned up this image:

Color, cool aggregate textures. This makes me happy. Such a simple thing, and something I can do without worrying about the world going to hell in a handbasket.

So I've proven to myself yet again, that when anxious and unhappy, one needs to do a complete turn and focus on things that evoke a visceral sense of pleasure and hopefully also a creative response. Go towards the light, go towards the light!

And check, exercise.

Day 25 - Brilliant people

Exercised before going to my interview. Yay, me!

Went to interview, had a good time, went home, didn't get job. Oh well. Not too disappointed, but the interview was good experience. Need to work on my presentation.

Went to hear the VP of Autodesk talk about Integrated Project Delivery and Revit. Very interesting. Very smart guy, got me feeling really anxious...blah! But I'm glad for the boost of brain juice and motivation it gave me. That's what I'm grateful for today. Yeah, lame lame post today...

yawn.

Day 24 - networking

Exercised roughly five minutes, maybe a hair more - walking around the house and up and down the stairs. Check!

So I got a call for a job interview. It's a contract position, but logistically, it works out much better than a few other offers, so it's fine with me. The call came through from a bit of networking I did back when I was first laid off, several months ago. So, it shows that networking pays off, whether in the near term or long, it's good to reach out and be in touch with people. Probably best to be in touch with people who have things you may want or need, but the whole point is, you never know who that's going to be, so everyone is a good contact.

Best of all, the call came at a time when I feel ready to go back to work. Hah!

Day 23 - Work

Calisthenics and stretching/warm-up for 20 min. 10 minutes of jogging around. Good and warm.

I'm thankful for work - I've got this freelance project that I wasn't taking super seriously until just recently. As I've been making drawings for the building, I'm pleased with the product I've produced, and thereby, am fulfilling the promise work. I forget who said it, perhaps Steve Jobs, but work has the potential to be a transformative experience, truly fulfilling in that it isn't just about making a living, but creating value and interest in the world. A creative life.

So. Now I've got to go finish up those drawings!!!

Day 22 - Serenity Prayer

Excellent. Day 22 of exercising, gratefulness, and blogging.
I have to say, once you start with one habit, it's easy to pin other simple habits to it, a natural part of our inherent habit-forming mechanism. This is a really cool thing. The critical element to hold yourself to is not all the other little habits you pin on, but that you're dedicated to one or two simple habits, leaving the rest to add on as they will. But just by invoking the first good habit, you pave the way for the other good habits to come. It's that first step, man! Always, the first step needs to be taken, then the rest will follow.

So many darn first steps.

Anyway, I'm grateful for whoever came up with the Serenity Prayer.


God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Apparently, this is attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr, whom I need to study up on. He apparently influenced a lot of major leaders. I would edit out the Christian references as I am not Christian, and I would just think of the Universe, Universal power, Nature, God as a non-anthropomorphic entity.

It's about trusting that things will turn out all right, no matter what. I was thinking about how I have many (universe willing) decades ahead of me, no matter what the state of my joints, and I can live each day with great joy, as much as I can muster, for all those decades, or resign myself to always being dissatisfied and unhappy. It's such an interesting thing to balance acceptance and willfully doing things. I've always liked the phrase "God helps those who help themselves." Perhaps this means to face your problems and do what you can to solve them. Whatever you can't control directly - like what other people think and do, what nature does - you accept, and still live with peace, happiness, and gratitude.

Hmm, how's that for a habit to tack on?

Day 21 - The Daily Show and Nerds

Exercised. Check. About 10 minutes, if you compact all of it together. Woke up feeling rather uncomfortable, and walking around and stretching helped. AND....

...watching the Daily Show with Bill Gates as special guest. I really don't presume to know what people in general think of Bill Gates, other than that he has a lot of money, but here's the thing for me...he Twitters (I don't), and he's a nerd, knows a ton, and because of where he is in life, he's a cute nerd. Hmm...that's the facts, I don't make them up, I just report them.

Anyway, Jon Stewart may be a different kind of nerd (maybe all successful people are nerds in some way, shape or form), and he is also charismatic. Put Jon Stewart and Bill Gates together, and you have some heartwarming stuff. I may be one of the few who thinks this. Oh well.

One particular exchange I loved in the segment was where JS says to Bill "you are twittering. When did you start twittering?!?" BG: "Last week!" (And he says this in such a cute, nerdy way - like a ten-year old who's been asked when did you get your new bike. And then JS askes some comic thing about if Bill can twitter with his mind... Bill Gates is a cute nerd. As a nerd, I'm glad he's there in the upper echelons of the world.

Day 20 - Grief and Resolve

I did exercise yesterday, but also had a job interview, for which I prepared extensively, and then afterwards felt really tired, so I never ended up blogging about it. So there. Today, I went swimming, combined with time in the sauna. Coming from frigid outdoor temperatures, it took a full 10 minutes before I broke any kind of sweat inside the sauna. I was all red aftewards, which I thought was really interesting because it was an even redness all over every part of my body. Being in the sauna is a strange experience - you have to really give in to the experience if you don't do it often because it's so hot, and you find yourself feeling a little panicked with so much heat around you and in the air that you're breathing in. Once you relax, though, and allow your body to soak in the heat, it's nice to feel your muscles relax. I believe that it is good for you, and they say that it's good for joint problems, but perhaps the 25 minutes of swimming afterwards wasn't as good because my wrist, fingers, and elbows did hurt afterwards. But I felt generally healthier, and happy to have done my exercise, so that's something.

I'm grateful for my past unfettered health. I think it's one of the most difficult things for healthy people to understand people who are having serious health problems. Most of the time, healthy people don't have any interest in unhealthy people because they're so in the flow of life. They don't see that sick people are slow because of pain and disease - literally, don't see them, don't see the problem. I know I was that way with people in the past, but now that I'm experiencing my pain symptoms, I definitely have a lot more compassion for people who are not well.

When I was swimming, I went rather slowly and deliberately, trying to make sure I didn't overdo anything. About halfway through my time, a girl started up in the next lane, and she powered through. She may have been in high school or college. I think she must have made two laps for one of mine. I used to be like her. Anyway, I could see her beautiful strokes, and feel the power she had cutting through water. I remember that grand feeling of making the water move just the way I wanted it to. I'm glad I have known that. I am grateful for this condition now that gives me insight into what it might be like for two of my friends who have rheumatoid arthritis. It's astounding that people have this disease and don't decide to just give up entirely. Healthy people really don't know what they've got until it's gone... Sick people show us the true strength of what it is to live and be human.

And people who aren't as fast or as strong any more - they have something to give still. They can contribute, and indeed, one of my friends, ML, strives to be independent and contribute, and she does, a great deal. Such a strong woman, with her knees replaced, and arthritis curling her every joint. I do think she gives more than I do, and is much stronger than me.

Perhaps sickness can make us stronger. It makes us see what's important, helps us prioritize. I've often had this problem of having too many options in front of me. Too many choices. Not enough passion. Someone said that you pick your passion, don't wait for it to pick you. Yes. I agree. Go towards things you're attracted to, do what you can, and let the universe deal with the rest. There's more than enough to go around.

My visualization:
Feel warm, soft sand beneath my feet, almost dusty.
Miles of crystalline green waters lay out in front of me, light playing into the facets, reflecting off the shallow shoals.
A palm tree shades my spot, and I sit there, soaking in the summer heat.
My immune system is a bent, distorted piece of metal, scuffed, rusted, marked up.
Out here on the calm, warm, comforting beach, I see it transformed, straightened, polished, filled in with missing parts. The instructions for my immune system are rewritten, finally, a whole, clean, shining piece that transforms back into a small metal cube that I swallow.
I lay in the warm crystal waters, waves lapping over me.
The crystal water is a tonic, a purifier.
Every time it laps over me, it washes me, clearing away the old, bad information,
making way for the clean, clear, good information.
Healing me.

Day 18 - nasal rinses and staying indoors

Did the requisite exercise, most of which felt good, but I'm definitely battling a few difficulties this morning, not the least being anxiety. Yuck. Exercise is good for that, so I will probably exercise a bit more later today.

It's snowing outside. Yuck.

Today is not an easy day to feel bright and cheerful. Excellent time to practice thankfulness. I am wicked thankful I've got some tasty food in the house and have various items and implements to make good food, so I won't have to go outside in the snow for a while. I'm grateful for the internet, yet again, so I don't have to go outside. I'm grateful for the phone, etc. again so I don't have to go outside my house...by the way, I hear Voice over IP services are going to skyrocket this coming decade, and wired communications are going to drop like lead weights. So, I'm grateful I'm not in either of those businesses. I'm grateful I am not stupid, therefore, I can figure out how to use AutoCAD and Revit, even though I don't particularly love doing so. And, today, I'm grateful for nasal rinses and clean air.

I will relay the story of yesterday's energy audit in dribbles. Today's dribble is that one of the two guys that came into my house to work on it was kind of stinky. This wasn't clearly noticeable at first, but as he went around the house checking on things and moving around, he got warmer, and hence sweatier. And I had asked both of them to take their shoes off inside the house - not a horribly unusual request, they themselves admitted. But the stinky one's feet were definitely stinky and by the looks of his socks, they weren't particularly clean...

So the guy is going around the house, and he starts doing the blower-door test to check for significant leaks through the house. They go around and find leaks by putting their hands against areas to see how much air flow is happening. In a couple of locations, it was significant. Blame the builders and the mice. OK, so they go around with caulk guns and foam, sealing around window edges, baseboard edges, etc. The guy is getting stinkier and stinkier. I can't make any judgements, but my sense is that he's a pot smoker, and the stink was pot smoke stink. He wasn't a bad person, nor was he in any way incompetent, nor did he seem offensive in any other way. He just smelled. And so, for the rest of the day, up until this morning, I've had this smell in my nose of sweaty, pot-smoking male. Not super pleasant.

Finally, I did a nasal rinse this morning and washed my hair. I think things are better. So, all you pot-smokers out there, please be considerate and when you go and sweat in someone else's house, please try to be clean and wear clean clothes, and consider not smoking pot for a few days before hand.

Peace.

Day 17 - Friends, again.

Just a quick one here. I exercised first thing this morning. It was very good. I am actually stronger, amazingly enough. Not a lot stronger, just noticeably. I was able to walk into town to pick up PVC cement from the hardware store, and not feel terribly tired when I got back. I also vacuumed the whole house, moved stuff around, fixed (hopefully) a loose PVC drain pipe in the basement, and I'm not done with the day's activities. Ack.

A couple of guys came to the house to do an energy audit...will discuss this at length when I return, but suffice to say, it took a long time, and while they did good work, there were some downsides.

I'm grateful for my friends. I get to be there for them and encourage them, and they appreciate it. I feel connected and that feels good.

Day 16 - My House

Exercise today was good. It was definitely the first thing I wanted to do when I got out of bed this morning, despite a slightly sore throat. I'm noticing that my arms don't feel quite as bad when I sleep with them over my head, which is a naturally comfortable position for me. This is great. Elbows and wrist still hurt, but I'm starting to feel that it's something I can have some control over, versus the pain bringing me down. I actually felt like I could go longer with the jogging around my house. I think as we come out of winter, it will only get easier to do more. The calisthenics and stretches are wonderful. As is the buckets of vegetables and good eating.

So, I have had this house for five years. There have been many ups and down with it, and I focused much more on the downs than the ups. They literally were driving me crazy, and I have wanted to move out almost since the first year I lived here. There was the carpet, the mice, the allergies, the cold, etc. I got white hairs because of the house. Then there were stresses at work, and I felt I had no place of refuge between work and home. Life was bad. Well, being laid off turned out to be that proverbial blessing in disguise as I've been able to really live in my house. Granted, there are still a few things that aren't perfect and that lead me to want to move still, but what I've found is that it is a cozy size, the first floor being almost a perfect amount of square footage for me, with a beautiful kitchen and plenty of light in the living room when it's sunny. It has nice hardwood floors, good working appliances, and it's not going to fall down!

I don't know why, but early on, as I was trying to fix the place up, I somehow became convinced that the house was just minutes away from going up in flames, or it was going to fall over, or have some structural issue that threatened to bring my life to utter ruin. Well, none of that has happened, surprise of surprises. What has happened, is that since I've spent more time in the house, I've learned the sweet spot for living here, and when the sun is shining, it's absolutely lovely to be in the main living areas of the first floor. It accommodates most of the things I want and need to do easily and well. I never thought I'd feel this way about this house, but I have to admit, at this point, I do. Voila. So, I'm grateful for being laid off and living in this house.

That's transformation for you. And what's an anecdote without a lesson? The lesson is to never take things to an extreme without just cause. It's bad for your health.

Day 15 - Space Heaters and Vegetarian restaurants

Oy! Last night played violin for too long, really pushed it with the elbows and knees (standing). Not sure what I was thinking, except that sometimes my need to reconnect with past excellence overtakes common sense. Not quite well enough to tackle recovering my former violin skills glory...sigh.

So, this morning took some Aleve to alleviate pain in finger joints and elbows. Did ok for most of the day. Also ate at a local vegetarian joint for lunch, good food, but not what I normally would eat - had cornmeal-crusted tempeh. Temp-eh? Tempeh is a little weird - it's fermented soybeans. Weird!?! Also had a piece of vegan coconut cake where the frosting was made from silken tofu. It was very very tasty. Even my friend who doesn't like coconut thought so. I don't know that I really believe it was good for you, though, in terms of fat and sugar.

What am I grateful for today? Besides silken tofu coconut frosting on vegan cake? My space heater. I love my space heater - fan-driven electric heat. It's quiet, compact, and it works. It doesn't rotate anymore, but that's ok. I have two of them, and they're workhorses, they're quiet, and they deliver heat to the places I need it. Especially the one under my desk, I find it really warms me up, even when I have the house set to 55 deg. F. I believe this particular model is made by Holmes, and I got one at Target and one at Home Depot, fairly cheaply. So thanks to the people who engineered up this little gem and remembered those of us who like our personal machines to be quiet.

Also, I am grateful for funky vegetarian restaurants. There ought to be more of them. Even though some of the food options still aren't the best tasting or as cheap as one might want them to be, it's nice to go somewhere to eat and know that your hosts care about what goes into your body.

I promise to do some exercising later tonight, cross my heart.

OK, did it, total of about 10-15 minutes calisthenics, breathing, and just a wee bit of jogging in place. Not much, didn't break a sweat, but the key word here is consistency! It's Day 15!!

Day 14 - Ginger Tea and Bamboo Ear Scratchers

Had some of the usual aches and pains, but felt pretty good. Not sure why. Anyway, also was not super inclined to do my exercising, but I was able to fake myself out with the 5 minute idea. 5 minutes turned into 20, so hey! It works. What can I say?

I'm finding I have a lot of tightness in my hip area. I think this is probably typical of a lot of people, especially those of us who have spent an inordinate amount of time sitting, and most especially those of us who are inclined to be stress puppies. woof. I really noticed it last night after the swimming. It was actually hard to just sit on the couch because my hip muscles were spasming. I was able to massage it out a bit, but I definitely needed to stretch it out a lot more after exercising. Same routine, by the way, calisthenics, stretching, jogging around the house. The jogging felt really good, wonder of wonders. I'm rather amazed at the real change I've been feeling after this steady progression of exercising. Really chalks one up for the consistent, regular exercise crowd. But I am really proud of coming up with the 5-minute fake out mechanism. I just told my mom to try it.

What am I grateful for today? Hmm...there are a few too many things. Blue flowers, soap, music, bamboo ear scratchers, the internet, life...tea. Tea is a good one. I'm loving the ginger tea. A friend gave me a cool cylindrical container of strong ginger tea from a company called Satira. Apparently, this is a spa products company, and by the looks of the website, they have some cool stuff. The ginger tea is very strong, even stronger than the tea I make directly from boiling ginger in water. Surprising, but perhaps this is because the dried content of the tea is actually much more concentrated than fresh ginger slices. In any case, it's excellent ginger tea, especially when you feel like you have a health problem to kick butt on. Hmm...maybe ought to try out some of the other spa therapies from this company.

But can I just say, I think I'm most happy with creating positive change in my life - getting this exercise habit in, helping myself feel better by eating right, faking myself out to do good things for my body, learning to listen to myself more and more. This echoes a lot of stuff I've already written about, but I just can't celebrate it enough. And bamboo ear scratchers. Those are great. (you can find them in stores in an urban Chinatown for a few dollars, not like the one I linked to, which has some fancy, japanese craftsman hoopla attached to it. I think I got mine, actually 2 for 1.75 in San Francisco's Chinatown somewhere years ago.)

Day 13 - Disease

Oh yes I did! Went swimming at the Y for about 20 minutes, preceeded by about 10 minutes in the SAUNA! The sauna is a great place to be on a cold winter's day, it really it is.

The aches and pains are at typical levels, being relatively low but still present, and elbows are still irritated, but generally, things feel ok. Perhaps the ginger tea is helping.

In the interest of being useful, I will delineate the dietary steps I'm taking to reduce inflammation (which I identify through the pain in my joints and body). Primarily, I'm trying to avoid all refined or processed sugar, which isn't too hard for me since I don't have a huge sweet tooth. Secondly, I'm not eating almost any meat, but really digging into fresh vegetables and fruit. I used to eat bags and bags of chips and crunchy snacks - and in fact, it occurred to me the rate of chip consumption seemed unsustainable (don't ask how I was trying to measure that). Now, instead of chips, I cut up celery, carrots, and other crunchy vegetables when I need my crunch fix. I think I've identified the need to crunch as being related somehow to anxiety. Really low-grade, barely identifiable anxiety. It primarily comes up when I'm trying to do something that requires I settle in and concentrate or focus in on one task. The other antidote to the crunch jones is liquids. Sometimes it's herbal tea, and sometimes it's salty water. I have more of a salt tooth than anything.

I'm also going in on the Vitamins C, E and Selenium, plus Vit. D and Calcium. Also, I am drinking a bit more green tea and ginger tea.

It's interesting how when fighting a scary possible disease, doing things like exercising and eating right feel like rewards in and of themselves. I came out of my swim feeling proud of myself for taking disease head-on, and didn't feel any need to reward myself further. You know how that happens - you exercise, and then you reward yourself with a big, fat smoothie loaded with sugar and other things of questionable nutritional value. Or you reward yourself by buying something you don't need...

So today, I'm grateful for my body screaming bloody murder at me - telling me in no uncertain terms that it's had it, I've f*cked up enough, and should I really like to push the envelope, I'll get arthritis, limited motion, and buckets of pain for my trouble. Thanks, body.

On another note, I heard that a girl who used to work where I worked and lived in this area died recently, possibly in Pakistan. She was younger than me and also had symptoms of some weird disease that started up while living here. I'm not making any connections, but I certainly don't take it lightly.